Test from Hell

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.

Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook
paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be
true to life.

Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier,
with special attention to its probable effect on the English
Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.

Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your
lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two
beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong
substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the
professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will
give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building
skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform
that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended
over a vat of nitric acid.

Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this
language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism,
the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method
for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible
points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as
demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and
given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has
been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and
correct it before the reactor melts down.

Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed
in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the
room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify
your decision.

Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity
of your stand.

General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the
present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its
Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge
and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on
mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze,
and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you
work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probability of nature of life after death.
Test your hypothesis.

Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and
drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of
each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi.
Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making
appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.
Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if
any.

Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom.
Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the
end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.