How to get that ultimate catch in Bangalore? Auto rickshaw

All you harried commuters out there, your boon is here.

Step 1. How to stop an auto in Bangalore?

A. When waving hand/hands/hands and legs/flags/signs, screaming aloud, jumping around, cartwheels and levitation don’t work, you are advised to think of your favorite God and jump in front of the auto. Even then if the auto driver doesn’t stop, you deserve to walk. Come rain or hail!

Step 2. How to communicate with the auto driver?

You genially stoop, lower your voice and eyes, and ‘Request’ or plead the driver to ‘Drop you’ at your preferred destination. In most cases it is preferable to ask the driver where is he is willing to go and if that place is in your general direction, then climb aboard.

Step 3. Auto drivers’ communication code revealed:

1. Silence is Golden- hence please don’t mind the driver ripping past you after you mentioned your destination, without as much as looking at you.
2. Stare- He saw something shiny behind you.
3. Blank look- You are invisible
4. Disappointed sigh- Tch tch tch if only you hadn’t mentioned Basavanagudi.
5. Angry- Retreat quietly.
6. Nods- today is your lucky day.
7. He said ‘No’-I know its hard, but life goes on.
8. He said ‘yes’? Partiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Step 4. Auto passenger etiquette:

1. Running behind a moving auto to board the auto is healthy, you get your exercise and more importantly… see point number 4.
2. Always seat yourself in a manner in which the auto driver can see you in his rear view mirror, preferably if you are woman. These mirrors are installed for national security; hence never question its significance. Do not dare admonish the driver if you found him looking at the mirror rather than the road, because he is merely doing his duty for the nation and you should be glad if you lose your life or limbs for the country.
3. Always carry a neck brace, back brace, elbow pad, kneepad, helmet and portable seat belt. Its not the driver’s fault that there are more pot holes in Bangalore than good roads and then who doesn’t like a little adventure, right?
4. What, you haven’t heard of my brotha Shumi? Brakes are for sissies!
5. Staring at the meter is indecent and downright cheap of you. ‘Paisa kya hai, pairon ki dhool, cheee!’ (translasaan: Money what is legses dust, cheese)
6. If the meter is ticking away faster than your heart rate, you need a cardiologist and remember the driver is always right and honest. Oh yeah, ‘forged meter’ is a concept he is unaware of and scientists all around the world are researching the unexplained phenomenon ‘The older the meter, the faster it ticks’.
7. You are only and ONLY allowed to converse with the driver in Kannada. If you are an uneducated country brute who accidentally stumbled into this land of milk, honey, information, technology and silicon and can’t utter a word of this divine language? Then thou shalt be cursed with Varanata Rajkumar’s nose or worse his wife.
8. When a driver says ‘no change’ it merely means you are paying peanuts for his services. So don’t wince when he rides away with your hard earned 50 bucks that you paid for a 35 buck fare.
9. Again alighting from a speeding auto is good for your health and the auto driver is a busy man, he is out there to help one harried passenger at a time so time is of the essence. You can limp home!
10. Last but not at all the least do not forget to thank the Auto driver for the ‘favor’. If possible gift him beedies and pan masala and write a sonnet in his praise. Only in Kannada.

Beginners Auto Kannada Guide
(Also available as audio cassette narrated by Lingo Leela)

Auto driver Kannada is a versatile, adaptable and flexible language. You only need to know these two words and you could write a novel.

1) Hogi- means Go

Usage: Right Hogi, Left Hogi, Straight Hogi, Flyover Hogi, Please Hogi, Railway-track Hogi, Urgent Hogi.

2) Maadi- means Do

Usage- Stop maadi, reverse maadi, over take maadi, fast maadi, slow maadi, fly maadi, save maadi.

Did I mention this is an extinct form of unadulterated ‘Acchha’ Kannada, popular only in 'Bendakaluru' aka Boiled Cereal Town? (What? Did you say it resembles Kanglish? Walk past our auto union and I will take care of you. Chindi Chitranna!)

Very rarely you may witness an auto driver conversing in the purest and sweetest form of this language with his fellow riders on cycles, bikes or a cars who dared to commit the un-holiest act of blocking the auto’s passage. If you thought they were angry retorts with unfamiliar references to the offender’s body organs or mother or sisters, then you are wrong.

These words of wisdom and their anglicized translasaan, will be included in our next edition, which will be out very soon at your friendly neighborhood footpath, by ‘Long Live Piraasy’ publishers.

Until then remember ‘Woman’s words are poisonous than a snake’s’. (Seen on an auto)